President Trump wants you to know Jon Husted has a great ass. A very powerful ass. It’s like a pile of muscle. He’s a monster. A piece of steel. Man his feet are big.
All the President’s own words, by the way.
The President became fixated with the derriere of the junior senator for Ohio back at the start of this month, and he’s scarcely talked about anything else since.
If peace negotiations with Iran have stalled in recent weeks, it may have little to do with the intransigence of the IRGC or the unknown whereabouts of the disfigured “probably gay” Supreme Leader, and everything to do with the most powerful man in the world and his latest idée fixe.
“The Strait of Hormuz? That’s nothing. You should see Jon Husted’s ass. The Houthi Rebels? They wouldn’t last five seconds with that ass. Their homemade bottle-rockets would just bounce right off it. Ha!”
Husted, you may know, was an All-American defensive back at the University of Dayton and won a Division III championship in 1989. President Trump learned this from Jon Gruden, the former NFL coach, and now he’s sizing Husted up non-stop whenever the two men are in the same room, and even when they’re not.
A rally in Youngstown, Ohio was the first occasion upon which President Trump delivered his ode upon a Dayton ass (Husted is actually from Michigan).
“I looked, and I watched up and down,” the President recounted.
“I looked at his ass, and I looked at the whole—and then I looked at his hands. Look at his hands. He’s got these, like claws.”
Five days later, in Kentucky, Trump again returned to the subject of Husted’s big bad bunda.
“I stood right over here, and I examined his ass,” Trump said.
“I never did that with a man before.”
Trump went on to say Husted has an amazing set of shoulders, feet, hands and a great jawline.
“You would be very unfortunate if you picked a fight with him,” he added.
The Commander-in-Chief reserved his most fulsome praise for Husted’s posterior chain till 20 October and a rally in Greenville, North Carolina. Trump was campaigning for Michael Whatley, but all he could think about was those sweet, sweet cheeks. He called Husted a “monster” with big feet, enormous legs and shoulders that are so muscular it hurts simply to tap them. It could have been Homer describing a hero from the age of myth, a champion carved out of bronze by Hephaestus himself—but no, it was Trump describing John Husted, the junior senator for Ohio.
Then there was a TikTok video—“a great ass… a powerful ass”—and in a television appearance, the President said his “A-word” remarks had actually boosted his man in the polls. Trump claimed an extra 12 points, but pollsters are still describing the race as tight. Like Jon Husted’s ass.
See, I’m doing it now too! God help me!
Even the Vice President has been forced to field questions about Jon Husted’s ass. On Friday, at a Fox News town hall with Jesse Watters, JD Vance conceded he must get back into the gym if he wants to “draw that particular piece of praise” from Trump. An elegant circumlocution if ever there was one.
Predictably, Trump’s return to the Freudian anal stage has drawn criticism from his opponents and the usual calls to invoke the 25th Amendment before he can do something truly crazy like attack Iran before the midterms. But I think the VP is right. He told Jesse Watters that Trump is a master comedian who likes to “shake things up a bit,” a man who “doesn’t take himself so seriously.” And “very nice body” or not—Vance’s words still—Husted is a much better candidate for Senator of Ohio than Sherrod Brown.
Can’t we just laugh? The President of the United States is praising another man’s ass!
But there’s something important here, and we would do well not to miss it. The body isn’t just an accessory to a candidate’s competence. Physicality matters. There is indeed something not only to be admired, but also desired about a representative who is unashamedly fit and inspires confidence simply by the way he looks from behind in a pair of well-tailored suit pants.
I’m really not being flippant. I mean it.
