A Modest Proposal

Trump wants to re-open Alcatraz, and I know exactly who he should send there

Alcatraz. AL-ca-traz. Three unforgettable syllables. A name to conjure with.

For me at least, the first thing that springs to mind when that word rolls off my tongue is the minor rock band that served as a springboard for two of the most iconic guitar shredders of the 1980s: Yngwie J. Malmsteen and Steve Vai. But that was Alcatraz with a double Z, and that’s just me.

Today I’m talking about Alcatraz with a single Z: the federal prison of legend. The lonely rock in San Francisco Bay where, from 1934 to 1963, some of America’s most notorious prisoners were sent. The place where Al Capone, Machine Gun Kelly and the Birdman all did long stretches; the place where, if you tried to escape—and dozens did—the great white sharks patrolling the freezing waters would get you if the guards didn’t. That Alcatraz. The name means “pelican” in Spanish, apparently.

Since its closure in 1963, Alcatraz has been a national park and a very popular tourist attraction, but now it looks like it may be set to return to its roots as a correctional facility for the worst kinds of criminals America has to offer.

On Sunday, in a post on Truth Social, President Trump announced that he had instructed various parties, from the Federal Bureau of Prisons to the FBI, to reopen the prison, so that the “dregs of society” can once again be “kept far away from anyone they could harm.” Doing so, the President said, will help establish that the United States of America is once again a “serious nation.”

“For too long, America has been plagued by vicious, violent, and repeat Criminal Offenders, the dregs of society, who will never contribute anything other than Misery and Suffering,” the President wrote.

“When we were a more serious Nation, in times past, we did not hesitate to lock up the most dangerous criminals, and keep them far away from anyone they could harm. That’s the way it’s supposed to be.

“That is why, today, I am directing the Bureau of Prisons, together with the Department of Justice, FBI, and Homeland Security, to reopen a substantially enlarged and rebuilt ALCATRAZ, to house America’s most ruthless and violent Offenders.”

Unsurprisingly, President Trump’s modest proposal has been met with ridicule by his Democrat opponents in- and outside the state of California.

Nancy Pelosi, who was born when California was still part of Mexico and Alcatraz was home only to a load of birds with massive beaks, said it was not a “serious proposal.” Governor Newsom said, via his spokeswoman, “Looks like it’s Distraction Day again in Washington DC.”

Aptly named state senator Scott Wiener—the guy who takes a very keen interest in age-of-consent law when he’s not marching for gay pride in his leather harness and jockstrap—accused Trump of wanting “to turn Alcatraz into a domestic gulag right in the middle of San Francisco Bay.”

“In addition to being deeply unhinged, this is an attack on the rule of law. Putting aside that Alcatraz is a museum & tourist attraction, this is both nuts & terrifying,” he Tweeted.

Civil rights attorney Scott Hechinger called Alcatraz a “domestic torture complex” and said if Trump really wanted to do something about serious crime, he wouldn’t have cut “nearly $1 billion from bipartisan, proven, successful anti-crime, violence prevention programs around the country.”

And smug know-it-all Brian Krassenstein did some rough calculations and then said something smug.

“At least $175-250m just to shore up crumbling concrete, retrofit for earthquakes, and install 21st-century security tech. Operating costs that never stop bleeding. Everything, water, food, fuel, must be barged in, and raw sewage barged out. That pushes the annual budget to 3× a comparable mainland prison, roughly $70 – 75 M every single year,” he Tweeted, smugly.

Sure, the island has no fresh water source—millions of gallons had to be brought in by barge each week to serve the hundreds of guards and prisoners—and sure the whole place is in need of more than a lick of paint, but money shouldn’t be the main consideration here. It’s about sending a message.

Many of the most heinous criminals in the US are foreign-born, and the Trump administration is in the process of deporting them all. A good number of them, members of the Latin American gangs Tren de Aragua and MS-13, are being sent somewhere far, far worse than Alcatraz: the Center for Terrorist Confinement (CECOT), in El Salvador, under a $6 million deal with President Nayib Bukele. CECOT is, if I recall correctly, the largest prison in the world, and it’s full of people who torture, rape and murder for fun—all in vast communal cells with beds that look like shelves in an Amazon warehouse.

Rather you than me, Kilmar!

Getting those scumbags out of the country is by far the best and most economical option.

But that still leaves plenty of homegrown criminals and, in particular, a class of people whose crimes are so uniquely bad they demand a uniquely bad form of punishment.