A Deportation Machine on Steroids

Trump now has no excuse not to deport every single illegal in the US

A deportation machine on steroids. Close your eyes. Picture it.

Early morning. A Monday. Unmarked black vans arrive at a construction site, Nowheresville, USA.

Suddenly the back doors explode open and dozens of jacked men in brightly coloured zubaz spandex pour out onto the site.

With their mullets, wrap-around shades, durags, neon cowboy hats and thick black beards, each one is a carbon copy of the late great Randy Savage.

Six feet two inches tall, 237 pounds of muscle—absurdly pumped, sweating profusely, ranting and raving, eyes bulging, THE TOWER OF POWER, TOO SWEET TO BE SOUR! I’M FUNKY LIKE A MONKEY! SKY’S THE LIMIT AND SPACE IS THE PLACE!

Presented with this terrifying madcap spectacle, the workers—illegals, of course—attempt to flee, throwing down their hammers and breakfast burritos and running as fast as their stumpy little legs can carry them. But one by one they’re cut off by the Macho Men, who exclaim “OH YEAH!” or “SLIP INTO A SLIM JIM!” as another Pedro or Alejandro is captured and put into an agonising half-nelson headlock or Boston crab.

Trestle tables are set up and hapless Squatemalans are sent flying through them, or hit with folding chairs before being bundled into the vans and taken to specially constructed arenas where they will be forced to wrestle one another in giant cages until only one of them is left standing…

Ahem.

“A deportation machine on steroids” is exactly what Democrat Rep. Hakeem Jeffries promised America would get on Thursday during one of his tedious filibustering speeches in the House. And while the realities of Trump’s Big Beautiful Bill have little in common with my own bizarre vision of dianabol-fueled border policy, the truth is they’re no less exciting as a result.

This is it, boys and girls: It’s finally happening.

With a stroke of the pen, Immigration and Customs Enforcement has acquired $75 billion and a budget to rival that of the world’s largest, most important militaries. Consulting Wikipedia, I see there are only seven nations who spend more in a year than ICE’s $78 billion. That figure is barely less than the military budgets of second-rate powers like Germany ($88.5 billion) and the UK ($81.8 billion), and more than half that of Russia ($149 billion).

Astounding. It really is.

The comparison with national militaries is apt. A military organization, with similar levels of manpower and logistics, is precisely what’s needed now if Trump is to fulfil his election pledge of the “largest mass deportation in American history,” aimed at removing tens of millions of illegals from the country and undoing the damage wrought upon it, deliberately, by his predecessor, the puppet Joe Biden. And Trump must fulfil that pledge.

In its first sixth months, the Trump administration has achieved notable successes on the immigration front. The southern border, across which millions of illegals passed during the Biden presidency, has been closed and large swathes of it militarized. Nobody is getting through. Thousands upon thousands of the most dangerous illegals—rapists, robbers, murderers and members of foreign gangs like MS-13 and Tren de Aragua—have been rounded up and deported, including to the tropical hellhole that is El Salvador’s Centre for Terrorist Confinement (CECOT). High-profile raids on workplaces have taken place across the US, even in “sanctuary cities” like New York, Chicago and Los Angeles. A million foreign workers are estimated to have left the American workforce, many voluntarily. The number of American citizens with jobs is now at an all-time high.

But this is only the beginning. Even Trump’s most loyal supporters have expressed frustration at the numbers of people being deported, and it’s clear the administration, including Border Czar Tom Homan and the President himself, shares that frustration. This simply isn’t enough! We need to get those numbers up!

In large part, Trump’s difficulties have been a function of the tools he inherited for the job. Joe Biden’s ICE and Border Patrol and DHS were not a deportation machine. In fact, they were the complete opposite. They were an importation machine, an apparatus that served the sole purpose of flooding the US with millions of illegal aliens and changing its demographics forever. Large detention facilities were closed. ICE was underfunded, understaffed and hamstrung by evil new policies like catch and release.

Now all that changes.